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Sunday, August 6th, 2006
1:03 am - Destination Anywhere
As the lack of sleep becomes my source of energy, I find myself thinking about everything at one time.
My head spins with ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions.
*I think of my friends, who are most definately my family.
*I think of my life, and the way I have chosen to live it.
*I wonder why many can't accept that I am completely straighedge...let me actually define it for those who seem to have an issue with it - I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't fuck.
*I wonder why its so hard to understand.
*I wonder why I can have the power to obstain from drugs an alcohol, but can not face the smaller problems that eat away at me more and more everyday.
*I think about my future, and what will become of it.
*I wonder why my family had to fall apart.
*I try to remember when I began to hate my father.
*I try to remember the last night where I did not cry over the pain I feel from this home I live in.
*I wonder why my family can not accept me for me.
*I wonder when my family will realize that I refuse to change.
*I think about how I am only happy with my brothers and friends.
*I try to think of how to break my heavy writers block that has taken over me the past few weeks.
*I think about why some people choose to lie to my face than rather show their true colors.
*I wonder if my caffiene addicion will ever die down.
*"It always gets worse before it gets better" - I wonder how much worse it could get.
*I think about Adam, and how much I miss him, and that last night we had at Angels and Airwaves.
*I wonder if he misses us as much as we miss him.
*I wonder why I choose the early house of the morning to think about all of these things.

<3

current mood: gsrhjafjer

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Friday, July 28th, 2006
10:27 pm - You Know Nothing.
I swear you know nothing about me. Stop telling people that I'm angry, that I'm a bitch, because I'm only that way because of you. Don't ever compare me to him. I'm nothing like him and I refuse to become that person. I won't become the person I hate the most. You know nothing about my life like you think I do. If you knew half of the shit that went through my head you'd know why I'm always what you call "depressed". Yeah I might be depressed, I wouldn't know because as long as I can remember I've felt this way. But you ahead and tell everyone else what you think of me. You act like I can't hear you when your in the next room. When I leave, you'll wonder why.

xoxo

_love_for_fire. your still with me

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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
7:59 pm - Hanging On. But Failing.
I'm trying to hang on, but I'm failing miserably. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I'm trying to let go fo everything so I can finally be happy. The pain follows me. I'm starting to hate who I am. I'm find myself back at square one. With tears following me to sleep, I dream of a better place and a better place. The motivation I had to work on my modeling career is slowing fading as well. Just when I was working up enough courage to go through with it all, someone hit me with words that can never be taken back.

xoxo.

adam. guide me through all of this <3

current mood: crappy

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Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
8:22 pm - BitterSweet
...Is one way to describe my life right about now. I'm so sick of everything. But I'm happy at the same time. When I'm with my friends, I couldn't be happier, because with them I know that if I'm sad I don't have to hide it, and I can be happy and goofy with them all I want. But when I'm stuck here at home, the happiness fades quickly and turns into anger, sadness, and hate. The things I've gone through, the things I'm going through...They form you into the person you are. And when I'm at home, I'm not happy with myself at all. My parents come to believe that I am just not good enough, even if that's not the case, that is exactly how they make me feel. And its a bad feeling. Not feeling oggod around your own family is horrible. I know I'm no where near perfect...but I don't think I'm as bad as they make me out to be. Who knows...Once I can move out, I think everything will be better.

xoxo

<3

_love_for_fire...how is it up there?

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Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
8:28 pm - Change of plans...
Angels and Airwaves...cancelled.
don't ask why.

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9:56 am - Angels and Airwaves...Again!!
So I'm off to Angels and Airwaves and Taking Back Sunday and I'm super excited. Its gonna be a super fun time and I think its just what I need right about now. San Diego is gonna rock especially cuz its a hometown show and the last night of the tour! YAY! <3333 _love_for_fire...I know your coming with me tonight

current mood: energetic

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Sunday, July 16th, 2006
2:42 pm - Music Can Be The Key
I haven't updated in a while, so here I go:
I've fallen deeper into my state of depression, only a few things make me happy now a days. My life is going crazy, so many things going on right now, so many things I don't want to deal with. In the past month I've, lost friendships, made new friendships, watched my family fall to pieces, held onto family member as my only family member, heard rumors about myself, been called names no one should ever be called, cried more than laughed, laughed so hard I cried, thought about my way out, thought about how much my family wants me out, had comments made about my weight, believed what they said about my weight, failed to maintain a diet, and isolated myself in my own bedroom to keep away from what's left of my family. I wish that those were the only things, but there are many more. But even as those things keep me down from being as happy as I want to be, I see myself looking up from all of this. A certain song I listened to opened my eyes. It made me see how much I want to fix things in my life, and how much I want a relationship with my dad. Even through all of the things I'm going through, the one thing I want the most, is for my dad to be present in my life. Him and my mom are not divorced, seperated, or anything of the sort, but I feel like he knows nothing about me, and he only knows who he wants me to be. I'm nothing like what he wants, quite the opposite in fact. And the one thing that sits in my mind is, that he never loved me, and he'll never be proud of me. Its a scary feeling, thinking that your own father doesn't love you. But it really is how I feel.

<3

_love_for_fire...its been 3 months. I love you


current mood: sad

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
3:05 pm - Once And For All
This is my goodbye...I've had enough, and this is the last time you'll ever hear from me. I worked so hard at our friendship, I''ve worked so hard to make sure that we would always be friends. I don't even know why, you never cared. All you cared about was making sure you made me feel bad about myself. So here it is: Fuck you. I never thought I could be so angry at someone that I've known for over half of my life. And I'll admit I was angry, livid actually. But now, I'm not even angry, its funny to see you make a jackass out of yourself though. I love to watch you try to so hard to ignore me and pissed off, when I don't even stress about it anymore. To be honest, I don't even know why your upset, and I don't care either. If your not gonna talk to me about it, then you need to shut the hell up and get over it. I don't go talking shit about you just because I'm pissed. It took me so long to see how much you manipulated me, now that I see it, I just don't want to be friends with someone like you. Especially when you tried to turn all of this around on me. I'm not the one that stopped talking to you. You stopped talking to me remember? You know what? I know that I'm no where near perfect, I know I have my issues, I know that I could be such a better person. I know all this, and I'm aware of my faults, but at least I accept myself. Unlike you who has to change for others to like you. And ya know what else? I may not know much, but I do know that my life has been a lot better since you have been out of it. You can't even find the guts to tell me whats going on, yet you try to act tough. Please, just get over yourself. I can't wait until you realize that your new friends will just screw you over, a lot like what you did to me. So have fun. I won't be here when you need me. I've moved on, and I've found friends that really do care for me.  This is my goodbye, for good.





current mood: calm

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Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
2:46 pm - A Moment Suspended In Time
Things haven't been great lately. I've been going through a lot. And the only thing I look forward to lately is going to school, only because I don't have to be home. I;m just waiting for the day that I don't screw up in the eyes of my parents. I'll admit, I'm no where near being the perfect kid, but they make me feel like I am the worst daughter on this earth

<3

I miss my love for fire


current mood: blank

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Sunday, June 18th, 2006
9:36 pm - School
Summer school starts tomorrow :'[
I'm really not looking forward to:
4 hours of geometry
everyday
for six weeks

<3

_love_for_fire <3


current mood: blank

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Thursday, June 15th, 2006
12:01 am
 Tonight was mucho fun with Mari and Corrina at Adam's birthday. Haha icing fights, long conversations about people we dislike, breaking my sunglasses, wearing Anthony's lender boxers that Mari gave him, and getting locked in Mari's car while Corrina wrote threatening notes on thw windsheild with icing....I'd say it was a good night hahah

<3

_love_for_fire_ its been two months, and i'm suprised we've lasted this long without you <333 love you


current mood: artistic

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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
1:33 pm - The Water
The beach was amazing last night. I was so happy to go, it made me feel a lot better just being with my friends and just hanging out. The bonfire was just what I needed...a night away from my house, and my family, and just to be with the people I care about. I have quite a few battle scars from being tackled a million times hahaha. Making smores kind of rocked, and telling our random storied that served no purpose was hilarious...I think me, mari, and corrina scared a few people away hahahaha. But yeah...it was a lot of fun, and I'm glad I went. :]



<3

_love_for_firem, we miss you


current mood: content

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Friday, June 9th, 2006
2:03 pm - This Is My Panic, This Is My Call To Arms
    Funny isn't it, How one day you can be completely content with yourself, with no self doubt about who you are, no questions about who you want to be, where you want to go, and your completely confident that you are who you want to be...and then you wake up the next day, to find that you were never secure with youself. you were never confident, you always doubted youself. and the only reason you had felt so happy with yourself is because you were faking it, without even knowing it youself.
    Funny isn't it, that it took me this long to realize it. truth is, i guess i never was confident with myself at all. i guess i never really knew myself until my insecurites surfaced. i don't want to feel this way, i don't want to be insecure with myself, but i am anyways. i used to be so confident in who i was, but now it seems like i have no idea on who i am anymore. i'm a stranger to myself.
    I find myself thinking so much about this, but when i come to put my thoughts down, i have nothing to say. i feel so lost in confused in this life. i find that i question every aspect of my life late at night, i feel like i've failed myself. i don't even know why. i don't even know where any of this is coming from. i feel like the wall that i had finally put back up is slowly cracking all over again.
I miss the way i used to be, when nothing mattered. i miss not pretending to be happy, when my happiness was genuine. i miss being able to tell someone how i'm feeling without putting up a fight. i wish i could say i'd be okay. some nights i don't want to be here anymore. just want to be gone so i don't have to feel pain anymore, so i don't have to feel sad, scared, alone. it feels like every breath i take, i'm making a mistake. every little decision i make, is a wrong one. i look for something to hold onto, but its hard when everything you had slips away. i don't want to say i'm depressed, but sometimes i think that its truly the case.
This is my panic, this is my call to arms.

   
<3


current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
6:42 pm - Summer is here...But it comes with consequences
Well, summer is finally here!!! I'm super stoked and can't wait to hit the beach once the weather clears up some.
Summer is here. But it comes with consequences:
My geometry teacher failed me this semster, so I can start warming up to 6 weeks of summer school.
I have to deal with someone who I haven't done anything to, and her bad attitude.
Parents...self explanatory
The only good part, will be spending summer with my friends, and getting away from here.
*******
One thing that makes me the most upset is, someone I used to be so close with, someone I've known for more than half of my life decided that I am no longer important, or needed. I thought that we were best friends to be honest. But when you start to become with others, you see how manipulative your "best friend" can be. It doesn't hurt me that we're not friends anymore, or as far as I'm concerned we're not friends anymore. It pisses me off though, it pisses me off that she give dirty looks to my friends, it pisses me off that even after everything I've done for her, everytime I've been there for her, she just decides to pretend like I don't exist. Well let me tell you this, I am directing this to her, and to her only: Don't think I'm just gonna welcome you with open arms when your friends and your boyfriend get sick of you. I won't be here when you realize that I was always a good friend to you. Sorry, but when you decided to treat me like that, you pushed the wrong button on me. I don't care, and I'm being honest. Go do whatever you want. But don't give me or my friends dirty looks...ever. Don't think about judging them, because when you judge them, you judge me. Don't ever think about coming near me trying to be my friend...cuz we're not anymore. You might think I'm just pissed and blowing steam, but I'm not. I am dead serious. The friends I have now, that I have had for less than a year, have been better friends to be that you have ever been. Being with them, and being with people that actually care made me see how much you manipulated me. And I was stupid not to see it. But now that I do see it...I'm pissed beyond belief. We're not friends, we won't be friends, we never were friends to begin with. Honestly, I think your just upset that I don't let you walk all over. So if you don't like it, you can shove it up your ass for all I car. When you realize that you fucked up, don't come running to me, because I won't be there...wanna know why? Cuz whenever I needed you, you weren't there. I'm done with you, don't come near me. I don't want to see you.
******
But forget all that. Summer is here, and I can not wait to be a complete and total beach bum. Its gonna be a big summer despite the shitty school year its been! I'm so excited to be done with school!! I'm really looking forward to being able to work on my writing too, I've been finding some pretty good inspiration too, so everything is in the works!

<3

I miss my love_for_fire <3 hope all is good up there!



current mood: artistic

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Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
11:52 pm - Just one of those days...
Its just one of those days. One of those days were i feel like shit.
Where I feel like all I do its fuck up.
I hate that feeling, I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.
And its driving me insane.
All my parents do, is yell at me, criticize me, and oppose all of my goals in life.
People at school talk a fucking load of shit about me.
And they think I don't know.
My family problems are blowing up huge.
I'm failing geometry.
Summer is in 3 days.
It can't come soon enough

<3

I miss you Adam


current mood: angry

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Friday, June 2nd, 2006
7:24 pm - finalsss
Finals started to day...ew. haha thats all i can really say :] I'm sooooo looking forward to June 6th, my last day of school until summer school unfortunately. I plan on spending the two weeks of freedom I have before summer school at the beach, chillin with my friends, and basically not being home. Its gonna be a big summer...and simply I can't wait!







<3

I hope that all is well in heaven my dear


current mood: excited

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Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
3:42 pm
There's those days where things go great.
There's those days where things go bad.
There's those days where things go great and turn to bad.

Consider today one of those days.
If I don't pass my geometry final, I'm I'm stuck in summer school for 6 weeks
Fuck that.
I swear that can not happen to me.
It turned my good day into a bad one.

Great...just great.

[Oh geez. HELP!]

<3

"Psst, here's a secret...Your last mortal thought will be "why did I take so many days - just like today - for granted?"


current mood: gloomy

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Saturday, May 27th, 2006
8:36 pm - Looking Up
The past few days have been great. I'm so happy that I am finally genuinely happy for the first time in a looooong time. I'm glad I can laugh honestly now. I'm happy that I don't have to force a smile, because now its real. I'm happy that I don't have to pretend anymore. Because now I've found people who take for who I truly am, and not for what I tried to pretend to be. I love you guys. Things are finally starting to look up.

<3

 R.I.P. - Atom


current mood: cheerful

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Friday, May 26th, 2006
9:54 pm - Good Day
I think I like today. The first good day I have in a while. More like the first really good day in a while. I think I genuinely laughed for the first time today in the past month. The day is slowly ending, ending a day that I wish I could stay in forever. A day where nothing goes wrong, a day where I'm with the ones I love. Oh geez.  I think I like today. I think its good. Its something I can't get my head around

<3
A.F.G. - How we miss you dear


current mood: happy

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Thursday, May 25th, 2006
5:34 pm - Hell Yeah
My four day weekend is finally here!!! Thank God. Its something I've really needed. Finally all the stress is gone...until the day before finals that is. But I'm so excited to just be able to kick back and chill. Only 3 more days of classes, then 3 days of finals then summer is officially here. I'm sooooooooooo stoked for this summer. Its gonna be kick ass!

<3

I hope your watching over us


current mood: bouncy

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